Sunday, 25 May 2014

On Building A Pedal Board

Building A Pedal Board

Materials used:

Wood (some)
Velcro Loop - Self Adhesive (lots)
Velcro Hook - Self Adhesive (some)
Glue (wood, strong)
Tools (various)
Woodworking Ability (limited)
Over inflated opinion of woodworking ability (highly developed)


First thing you will need to do is draw yourself up a plan.

Ensure the plan is over ambitious.

Be sure to place your pedals on your plan too make sure they will fit comfortably. Leave extra space for new pedals as you don't want to have to build another board next time you buy a new pedal.
My plan consists of a base board (62x27cm) and three slats in the centre (1 40x7, 2 40x5) raised on an angle using 4 triangular struts.

The Build

Ensure your work area is cluttered, indoors and full of dogs.

This will make everything more interesting later
Venture to the shed where you're sure you have some wood that should be fine for this.

Grab workbench and tools whilst you're there.
Bring wood inside and inspect it for suitability.

If possible, do this when it's raining to make sure the wood gets wet.
Realise the wood is warped and unusable thanks to your leaky shed (which you also built after overestimating your woodworking skills).

Realise you're going to need to go to the hardware store to buy some wood. Forget you have a cable guy booked to come over to fix an issue with your TV and broadband. Go to B&Q. Realise you need to buy a giant piece of MDF because the smaller sizes are about 6 inches too small in one dimension. Have the employee cut it for you. Buy a jigsaw anyway because it's on offer for £20. Bargain!

Arrive back home to find out the cable guy has been and gone. Phone and rebook for two weeks from now. Curse.

Contemplate why you didn't just buy a pedal board.

As the helpful employee has done most of the cuts for you, all you will need to do now is the struts.

The giant boards at the back (there's two) and the one with the label is offcut.
It was a really big piece of MDF.
Set up the workbench, mark up your struts, cut with new jigsaw. Forget to take photos because you're too excited about your new jigsaw.

Realise you're terrible at using a jigsaw and that there's now sawdust just everywhere. Cut another strut from an offcut to replace the shit one.

You can see the quality of the cuts in this photo.
Use a coping saw (badly) to cut out the arches that will allow wires to pass through.

Glue the outside edge strut to the first 40x5 slat, ensuring you line up the edges. Clamp. Glue on central 40x7 slat, ensuring a gap of 5cm all the way along. Clamp. Glue on final 40x5 slat, again ensuring the gap. Snap clamp trying to clamp.

Take photo when you should be holding the last slat till it dries.

Allow to dry. Repeat on the other side.

Fucking shitty clamps...
Show amazing foresight by actually making sure the central struts are spaced to leave space for the power supply.

 Place struts and mark up where the glue needs to go.

Apply glue, place struts and clamp ends. Place a board on top to add some weight to hold it all down. Leave to dry.

Place on the base board, using your plan and pedals to check positioning.

Realise your struts aren't flat. Sand struts. Fuck it, good enough.

Mark off the strut positions for gluing.

Glue, position, ensuring it's all flush at the edges. Weigh it all down to compensate for uneven struts. Hope.

Whilst that's drying, prepare Velcro Loop.

So much Velcro loop.

Mark on the back two 5x40 pieces, a 7x40, a 27x11 and a 27x13. Cut the pieces.

Peel back the backing on the Velcro and stick it all on. Make sure edges are all flush.

Be absolutely astounded by how good it looks!
Build finished!

Pedal Placement

Figure out how you want all your pedals placed (this isn't final. Thanks to the Velcro you can reposition later).

You will probably need to remove the feet from some pedals.

Either stick the Velcro hook on and cut to size...

Or just cut squares of about the right size. It doesn't need to be perfect.

Do all the pedals.

Stick to the board.

Realise at this point that the screws that were holding the feet on were also holding the bases on.

Replace screws. Wire it all up. Use the gaps in the struts to run the wires.

Power that bad boy up!

Rock out!

Congratulations! You've just built an awesome looking pedal board!

Saturday, 29 March 2014

Oh come the fuck on!

You're not even fucking trying now! At least fire up MSPaint. This is the laziest like grab I have ever seen!

Thursday, 20 March 2014

On Cancer Awareness Selfies

As most of you have probably seen, there's a trend rushing around Facebook that consists of women taking selfies with no make up. Apparently, this is raising awareness of Breast Cancer.

Apparently, when this craze started, the posts included a link to a place where you could donate actual money to Breast Cancer Awareness. Now it's devolved into the usual slacktivism. It isn't even Breast Cancer Awareness Month until October. March is National Colorectal Cancer Awareness Month. I've only seen one person actually give out a text number and that was a guy wearing makeup!

Quick question: Who isn't aware of Breast Cancer? It's probably one of the most publicised forms of cancer and women and girls are taught and encouraged to check themselves and to go to the doctor if they have concerns. Male Cancers, such as Testicular and Prostate, receive much less coverage and men are generally more reticent when it comes to seeking help.

But that's completely by the by. This isn't a post about Men's Right or any shit like that.

I'm simply trying to do what a lot of the selfie people have not: Give you actual links so you can donate.

Donate to Cancer Research UK - On that page you will actually see donations from people who are donating after doing their bare faced selfie. You can also Text BEAT to 70099 to donate £3 from your mobile.

Donate to Breast Cancer Care

Donate to Macmillan Cancer Support

Donate to Marie Curie Cancer Care

Donate to Male Cancer Awareness - As I said before, men are a lot less likely to seek help or are not even aware of male cancers, the way women are about female cancers. It's Male Cancers that really need raised awareness.

Don't just sit at your computer sharing photos and claim you're raising awareness if you aren't willing to put your money where your mouth is.

Right, I'm off to MCAM to donate.

Tuesday, 25 February 2014

On Footballers and Soldiers

Many of you may well have seen the following picture making the rounds on Facebook:

Some you may have liked it or even shared it but, at any time, did you stop to actually think about it?

Let's do that now, together. We'll take it in stages.

£300,000 a week for Football...

As a society, we've always revered and worshipped sports stars. This is not a new phenomenon. In fact, the highest paid sportsman of all time was most likely a slave-turned-chariot racer in around 2 C.E. It's thought that Gaius Appuleius Diocles could have earned as much as £9.6 billion! I somehow doubt there were people proclaiming it unfair that the soldiers of the Roman empire didn't earn similar amounts. Sports people do what they do for our entertainment and we put a huge value on our entertainment. Have you noticed you rarely see posts like this complaining about actors earning tens of millions of dollars for a film? Which requires more skill, really? Football is hard, guys! Players who earn the huge money are the best players who play for the biggest clubs. These clubs sell the most merch and demand the highest ticket costs. This means then can pay the most, attracting the best players to their club and so on. It's called capitalism. Yes, it's ridiculous that grown men who chase a glorified pig bladder for a living get paid millions but that is the value we, as a society, place on our entertainment.

Meanwhile... Soldiers... earn less than £30,000 a year

Whilst army sergeants earn over £30,000, most standard soldiers earn upwards of £17,767. Soldiers on officer training start at over £24,000 and that goes up over £38,000 if you reach captain. So the numbers are actually lower than stated but let's examine them anyway. First of all, £17,000 a year is not a bad wage. It's below the national average but I would say it's still more than your usual wage slave earns. Remember, the averages are pretty skewed by the highest earners. Also, consider that, for many soldiers, cost of living is greatly reduced if they live on base. I've only used the army here, so it may differ for other services.
Next, and I think most importantly, soldiers are not forced into their jobs. There's no press gangs roaming around and there's no forced conscription. Also, I've noticed I never see posts bemoaning the pay the police get or the ambulance service. These people put themselves in harms way to help people right here at home. Why are we not complaining on their behalf?

It seems to come down to the special status we bestow on the armed services and the special hatred people seem to hold for football players. Corporate CEOs earn millions! Why is this not about them? Although people may not think football players 'work hard', I promise they do. Remember, these people basically devote their lives to a game, practicing constantly. I imagine it's drastically more difficult than sitting on your arse in an office and partaking in some slacktivist picture sharing on Facebook.

Tuesday, 7 May 2013

I got married!

On the 1st of May, I married the love of my life. That is all. 

Thursday, 18 April 2013

On Telemarketers and Blame Claims

Fucking telemarketers piss me off! Automated or not, I find it just as obnoxious.

Now, I get that people are often just doing their job and maybe it was the only job they could get but I have completely run out of fucks to give. Today I have had at least 4 automated calls regarding PPI and pensions, at least one after I had already requested to unsubscribe from the service, and at least 3 people calling me. In 5 minutes I had two calls from the same blame claim company 'regarding my road accident in the last three years'. I had one of these last night and told them I was pretty sure they were looking for Mr Gofuckyourself but it seems they haven't got the message.

So, the first of the two (these people actually have my name so thanks whoever sold them my details) just got my usual response of 'Go fuck yourself' but when my phone rang again only minutes later I was somewhat annoyed. It went something like this:

Teletwat: Hello can I please speak to Mr FwF?
Me (annoyed): Speaking
Teletwat: I'm calling regarding your road accident in the last three years that wasn't your fault. 
Me: What road accident are you referring to?
Teletwat: The road accident that wasn't your fault and because the other driver was at fault some money has actually been put aside for you.
Me: Which accident, describe it to me, because unless you can tell me which accident you mean, you're talking shit. 
Teletwat: there's no need to swear, sir. 

That's where you're wrong, Teletwat. There is plenty of reason to fucking swear! I'm sick of these cunts wasting my valuable time with their shit. All blame claims companies are scum to start with but the fact that they so strongly encourage people to file frivolous law suits sickens me. 

As it happens, I did have a road accident on the 1st of November 2011 when I locked the back wheel of my motorbike and got run over by a truck. In February of 2012, not long after I'd regained the ability to walk without crutches, I got a letter through telling me I was being sued by the truck driver to compensate him for soft tissue damage and muscle pain. Apparently the poor dear had to take a week off work. Bear in mind, the back six inches of my 200 kg bike clipped the front of his 44+ ton truck, there was no damage to the vehicle and he said at the scene he never even felt it, which he repeated to my boss when he visited my work to see if I was ok on the evening of the accident.

I can only assume that someone encouraged him to make that claim. Of course, he really sued my insurance company but it was my name on the suit. Adding insult to injury, his description of the accident on the suit was mostly fictional and painted me as if I was riding dangerously which I certain was not. The police would have done me if I had! I begged my insurance company not to pay but I bet they did to avoid court. Cowards. 

And that's the problem. People file these frivolous, opportunistic suits and the insurance companies just pay, because it's easier. Then all our premiums go up. It's a fucking disgrace.

I think I'll buy a whistle. Lets see how well they can make calls with busted ear drums. 

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

How I spent 2011/2012

So, you may have noticed that I didn't post very much last year. I don't have any good reasons for why not but I thought I would catch you up on my life. So act as if you give a shit.

In March 2011 I bought a motorbike. I kept meaning to write a post on here about how great it was but I never got around to it. Then, on November 1st 2011, I locked my back wheel in traffic and went under an oncoming truck. Which was unpleasant. The truck went over my left foot and it's only thanks to the bike boots I was wearing that my foot didn't become a squishy mass of pulp. As it was, I only sustained a minor break in my calcaneus (which is the heel bone to anyone not up to date in their ancient languages) which astounded the hospital staff. I spent only four days in hospital. My bike, however, was not so lucky. She was totalled.

R.I.P Suzie II. 

Man, I still miss that bike. I get a little teary eyed every time I see an SV now.

So, I rang in 2012 on crutches but well on the road to recovery, swearing I would buy another bike as soon as I was healed. I'm yet to do so. It would be a lie to say I'm not at least a little scared of getting back into the saddle but I think a lot of it is that I'd never be able to really replace that bike. She was my baby.

In January of 2012, my sister gave birth to a beautiful little girl named Ivy, my niece.

A very happy Uncle.
Me and my better half also

I have spent much of the rest of the year working on an album of metal/hard rock and trying to start a career as a voiceover. I also moved house in February 2012 to a nicer neighbourhood.

I'm hoping that in 2013 I will write more on this blog, finish my album and maybe get booked for some voiceover work that's not supplied by the production company I work for...

Oh, I also amassed nearly 5000 karma on reddit. Don't act like you're not impressed. Thinking about it, in explanation for my prolonged absence I could have just written "discovered reddit" and fellow redditors would have totally understood.

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