Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Great Britain: A Fascist Democracy

The UK is going to hell in a handcart.
We have more CCTV than any other country, a government intent on knowing what we say, who we say it to, when and why, illegal imprisonment under the guise of terrorism and innocent people being dragged from their homes and interrogated.
This is the woman heading the charge.

--And I put it to the honourable member, that I am an insufferable bitch.

This is Jacqui Smith, the Home Secretary, and the dilapidated, baggy eyed chimp behind her is Gordon Brown, our 'Prime Minister'. (More like Prime Ateister! Am I right?)

On top of all this, Smith's latest idea is to monitor all our internet use, including email, downloading and social networking sites, like Facebook.
They're saying it's like with phone calls... They can see where the call originated and it's destination but don't know the content of the conversation but I call bullshit. How long before they're essentially tapping all our online activity?
Of course they're citing terrorism and pedophilia, as usual, but it will be average people who are basically innocent who will get screwed in the end. It always is.
They say it's about big stuff but then you mention that you smoked a joint once to a friend online and before you know it the police are raiding your house at dawn claiming you're a terrorist pedophile drug lord.

This guy admitted online that he sometimes lets his dog crap on the pavement.

You accidentally click the wrong link on a porn site, google something dodgy or download an MP3 and the police will be at your door.
Before you know it they will be spending so much time busting people who downloaded the latest chart topper illegally that the terrorists will slip by unnoticed.
We have less freedoms and more rules than most dictatorships and we now have a government controlled by people who consult experts and then ignore them completely!
It's a slippery slope and the water at the bottom is full of fascist alligators.

Well how would you photoshop a Fascist Alligator?!

Our freedoms are being reduced weekly and do you know what? It's the Government that are the terrorists, now.
A terrorist is somebody who uses terror to further their own agenda and I think the current governments in the UK and USA fit that bill.
They use our terror of attack, youths, disease, whatever as a way to control us and keep us subordinate.
I'm not a conspiracy nut or anything but you don't need to be in this day and age!
Plus, I really disagree with the government having info about me considering government officials loosing private and confidential data is now a monthly occurrence.
How many times recently have government workers left laptops, documents, CDs, flash drives, etc. on trains, in cabs, in the street? Too fucking many, because once is too many times.

Pictured: Identity Thief's wet dream.

Why, just the other day a leading government official, the most senior counter terrorism police officer in fact, Assistant Commissioner Bob Quick made a serious blunder when he was photographed getting out of a car on his way to a briefing with the PM, with a Top Secret document under his arm in plain view that detailed a list of places that would be subject to dawn anti-terror raids!

--They'll never see these raids coming!

This piece of utter idiocy actually forced the government to go ahead with the raids the very next morning, rather than when originally planned and Quick, erm... quickly resigned (I'm sorry).

The worst part? We all just roll over and take it. We accept that every week or so the government comes up with another thing we cant do or another way to monitor the few things we can still do.
When they're not doing that they're raising taxes to pay for their second homes and rampant nepotism, usually under the guise of another pointless environmental band wagon or to further the 'War On Terror' but mostly the money is just used to fight the war against common sense.
So, be careful Jacqui Smith. You're supposedly left wing, but this is where you're heading:

--Heil Smithler!

See ya'll in jail.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

What if all the computers died?

This is something I was thinking about the other night and I realised that if all the computers died we would be fucked!
Forget how or why, just imagine IF.

What if all the computers in the whole world just stopped tomorrow? For a start you wouldn't be able to waste time at work reading articles like this, but then again you probably wont have a job anymore anyway. Everyone and everything now needs computers.

-Dear Mother, Big city computing job going well. Please send money.

Think about it. Try and think of one business, institution or utility that doesn't rely on computers to keep them running. You can't, can you?

All the banks would collapse and, of course, as most of the money lives in computers now all that would be gone, too.
Assuming this mystery computer blight also killed the computers that keep your car running and on the road we could expect a lot of this:

Forget about your phone. It doesn't work. Planes are gonna fall out of the sky. The whole civilised world is going to collapse. And do you know what really sucks? You wont be able to watch people being retarded on YouTube!

This is all we'll have left!
Just something to think about...

Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Amazing feats: The Circus is in town!

So, last Sunday I went to see Cirque De Soleil, or more specifically Quidam, and it was truly the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life! The skill and huge brass balls required to perform the acts they do are awe inspiring, so in honour of that I thought I'd do an article on amazing feats the like of which me and you could never hope to achieve.

The German Wheel

In the Quidam show they pretty much opened with this guy and when he rolled out I may as well have been 6 years old again! I was giddy as a school girl and could not take my eyes off him.
This is what I saw:

Because Sphereing is for pussies!

Now if that isn't fucking bad ass, then I don't know what is! It makes me wish I was born into a french circus family! That guy makes it look easy but this is what happened to Christopher Knight when he tried it on Celebrity Circus:

Can you say "Dislocated Shoulder"?

Wanna have a go?

You can pick on up at for just £720!


Diabolo (or "The Devil On Two Sticks" or "Devil Stick") is a form of juggling, in a way. At some point you will have seen one of these in a toy shop or being wielded by a hippie at a festival. They look like this:

Now, I doubt you learnt to use on of these in school, but in Asia they teach 'em different!
Here are the Quidam Diabolos:

Yes, they are children.

And here's the Malaysian Diabolo Team:

Wanna have a go?

You can pick one up at from around £7 and there's a host of tricks to try at


I will say this first... I'm a juggler. A bad one. Sure, I can keep three balls in the air and do rudimentary tricks but nothing like this!

From about 1:15 it just gets silly!

And don't think those balls need to stay airborne, either!

Crazy shit from around 3:30 onwards.

You can even use your balls to play music:

Is it just me, or does the still look like he's shitting a ball?!

Wanna have a go?

Once again, over at you can pick some up from 89p a ball (these fuckers should be paying me commission!) or make your own from a material of your choice filled with lentils. There's a pretty decent tutorial here and some tricks to try here.


Ever wanted to swing 20 feet above imminent and painful death or disability? No? Well, want no more! These guys will do it for you! This is the Dual Trapeze from Cirque De Soleil's Dralion.

Do you see any support wires?!

Wanna have a go?

Then you, my friend, are out of your fucking mind.

Thursday, 2 April 2009

5 'Dinosaurs' that are still alive and kickin

It is a commonly held belief that Dinosaurs died out around 65 Million years ago. This belief is wrong. OK, I'll grant you that T-Rex is no longer roaming the plains and there isn't likely to be a Dipolodocus eating your hedges when you get home, but I assure you that there are still plenty of 'Dinosaurs' about.

5 - Coelacanth

Thought to have died out 80 Million years ago , it was discovered to still be very much alive in 1938 when one was found off the coast of South Africa. It turned out that fisherman had caught many but threw them back as their oily, foul tasting skin had no commercial value.
The Coelacanth is essentially unchanged from the fossilised specimens from 80 million years ago.

4 - Purple Frog

This ugly little thing that looks like a mole shagged a toad is a Purple Frog, found in the Seychelles, off the coast of India. It can be traced back around 100 Million years through fossil evidence. The reason it was thought to be extinct for so long is that it spends around 50 weeks a year underground, only surfacing during monsoon season for mating. Unlike other burrowing frogs that surface for food, this little guy uses his tongue to eat termites and such whilst underground.

3 - Horseshoe Crab

Thought to have evolved around 570-248 million years ago, the horseshoe crab is actually a relative of the Spider, though a distant one. It is the last member of the Xiphosura, one of the oldest classes of marine arthropods.
The Horseshoe Crab is very, very weird in a number of ways.
First off, it has no mandibles. Instead, it's mouth is located in the middle of the underneath of it's body, between it's 5 pairs of legs, each of which is equipped with a set of gills which allow it to breath in water and on land for short periods if it's gills are kept moist. It has two compound eyes, 5 other simple eyes in varying locations (thought to be important during embryonic stages) and blue blood. The blood is blue as it is copper based, rather than iron, like many molluscs.
It also has the ability to re-grow lost limbs.

2 - Crocodilians

This is the general classification for the Crocodile, Alligator, Gharial and Caiman famillies.

Obviously, the things on this list so far weren't really 'Dinosaurs' in the true sense of the word, but this certainly is. Dinosaur means Terrible Lizard and, I think we can all agree, the Crocodile fits the bill. Crocodilians first appeared around 220 million years ago, but the Crocodilians we know today evolved around 84 million years ago.
The sheer power of these creatures is astounding! Only about 7 of the species are considered dangerous to humans but they're the 7 biggest. The ones that grow over 3 meters long! They can grow to up to 6 meters long (20 ft) or about the length of a truck.
A 6 meter crocodile can lie in a foot of water and be totally invisible. They have a bite force in excess of 5,000 pounds per square inch (2.5 tons) coming down on 60-80 teeth up to 13 cm (5 inches) long. And don't think you'll be safe on land, either. The land speed record for a croc is 11 Mph (17 km/h) and they can propel themselves out of the water to attack.

Like this with the ability to jump 10 feet straight up from standing... Yeah.

Oh and once they get hold of you they will pull you back into the water and drown you.

1 - Sharks

There are some weird evolutionary dead ends up there but nothing does weird quite like sharks. Sharks have been evolving for about 420 million years, with modern sharks going back about 100 million.
Sharks, Rays and Skates all evolved from a common ancestor and when they split into the separate species is not known with any degree of accuracy. They are cartilaginous fish, meaning their skeletons are made from cartilage.
Sharks come in many, many, many shapes and sizes but here are some of the weirdest Google could come up with:

Screaming PHOTOSHOP at them will not make them go away...

Clockwise from the top left they are the Megamouth Shark, Prickly Shark, Elephant Shark, Goblin Shark, Frill Shark and Shark Ray and these are but a few. Sharks range from a few inches (Dwarf Lantern Shark) to over 12 meters in length (Whale Shark).
Out of over 360 species only 4 have been involved in a significant number of attacks on humans. These are the Great White, Tiger, Bull and Oceanic White Tip. The Bull Shark is one of the most dangerous as they can tolerate both marine and fresh water environments, meaning they can swim up rivers and they have even been known to chase prey onto beaches.

Is it... Is it smiling at me?

Sharks usually have two or three working rows of teeth with roughly 20 to 30 teeth in each row (a whale shark has 300 per row) which are constantly replaced should they be damaged or fall out and a shark can go through up to 35,000 teeth in it's lifetime. I personally own a 30 Million year old sharks tooth, found in Morocco, and it still has an edge on it.

They can fucking jump as well!

Should you ever come face to face with an aggressive shark the best thing to do is make yourself seem like a credible threat. Punch, kick and scratch it, aiming for the eyes, gills and snout. Always keep an eye on it because it is likely it will try and retreat and sneak up on you. Outright retreat is futile as you will never out swim a shark so the best bet is to move towards your boat/the shore quickly and calmly whilst keeping an eye on the toothy bastard.

Or of course you could just cry and wait for the release of death...

Supervolcano: Prepare for Nuclear Winter

This is Yellowstone National Park
As you may or may not know, underneath Yellowstone there lies a Behemoth just biding it's time, waiting to totally fuck up your day.
I am talking, of course, about the Yellowstone Supervolcano. One of the biggest in the world, it's magma chamber is thought to be roughly 34 miles wide and 45 miles long.
It's last major eruption was 640,000 years ago during which it threw around 240 miles3 of ash and rock into the air, creating a caldera roughly 1km deep and 52 by 28 miles in area. It is so gratuitously humongous that it was only fully confirmed when viewed from space!

Now, meet Krakatoa.

This eruption occurred in 2007.

It has been postulated that an eruption of Krakatoa in 535 AD could have been responsible for a global climate change due to ash and water vapour being thrown into the stratosphere. It is thought that this may have caused a Nuclear Winter across much of the globe.

Therefore, it is totally within the realms of reality that a massive and catastrophic eruption at Yellowstone could end the world as we know it. If enough ash and vapour was forced into the Stratosphere it would block out the sun leading to a possible Ice Age and the mass extinction of pretty much everything, as no sun means no plants, famine and outbreaks of disease. It could also cause world wide weather phenomena such as earthquakes, hurricanes and tsunamis. Some scientists even believe that it was a volcanic eruption of this magnitude that caused Dinosaurs to go extinct.


Plus, humans being how we are you can expect looting and riots worldwide.
Except in this area:

Know why no-one will be looting here? Because this chunk of America will be pretty much totally destroyed.

If you live in this area, might I suggest a move tothe UK? It's always cold and dark here anyway, so it'll help you adjust.
If you live anywhere else, buy yourself a rifle, start stockpiling Spam, jerky and Dehydrated water (wait... what?), huddle close with your loved ones for warmth and pray for spring.

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