Monday, 26 April 2010

Why is everybody so slow at EVERYTHING?!



I like to think that I do things efficiently. This is not to say that I always do things promptly as I am a very lazy person and I make no excuses for it.
However, I do believe that if you need a faster, more efficient way to do something, give it to a lazy person and they will find the quickest, most efficient way to do it, so they may resume sitting on their arse and watching Animal Planet.

This means that I do everything in my day at the highest possible speed and in the most efficient way.
I am also rather OCD, which means that I get really annoyed if people screw up my routine with their inability to perform tasks efficiently.

Today for instance, I was on my lunch break from work and needed to go and run some errands in the local village. So I drove to the village, parked and joined the queue at the cash machine.
Now, I know that using a cash machine is a quick and easy thing to do. Card in, PIN number, Cash, £50, no I don't want a receipt, card out, cash dispensed, done.
Easy. Couple minutes, max.

So why do people spend so fucking long at the cash machine when I have things to do which are obviously far more pressing and urgent than whatever pointless thing they're doing? They stand there for what feels like hours, like the machine is written in Ancient Egyptian and they have neglected to bring their Babel Fish.

Had I gotten to the cash machine straight away I would have been able to complete my other tasks and get back to work by 1:25pm, which would have given me the right amount of time to do the other things I needed to do, like, you know, eat. As it was I didn't get back till about 1:31 which screwed up the timings for the rest of my routine. If you are saying to yourself, 'It's only 6 minutes, what's the big deal?' you do not understand OCD and for that you are truly lucky.

Another place that people move at an infuriatingly slow pace is the Supermarket.
I try and get around Asda as fast as possible because if I'm there too long I will commit murder and I'm far too pretty for prison.

People dawdle along as if this is all they have to do this week so they may as well take their time. They seem to be utterly oblivious that I'm behind them burning holes into their back with my eyes as I desperately try and find a gap to get around them.

This is made even more difficult when people leave their trolleys in the middle of aisles and wander off to look at things further down with no consideration for others. I am a very, very polite person pretty much all the time and this means that I can't move their trolley because that seems rude to me.
As if that wasn't enough, People stop dead in the middle of aisles without looking behind them and if you bump into them suddenly YOU'RE the arsehole!

Old people are the fucking worst! I understand that old people move slower out of necessity rather than an innate desire to fuck up my day but what I cannot fathom is why they shop on the weekend. They are RETIRED and therefore do nothing all damn week! Why shop on the weekend? It means that if I have to venture from my safe, dark house on a weekend for vittles I not only need to contend with hordes of rude morons but also ancient, gnarled people who move slower than your average glacier.

Well, with the amount of F-words in that post google AdWords is probably gonna throw a tantrum...

Fuck it! In for a penny in for a fuck load of F-words!

Wednesday, 21 April 2010

The Future Of This Blog: What do YOU want? Do you even give a shit?



In before tl;dr.

As I am sure you have noticed, I have failed to post anything to this blog in quite a while, other than occasionally changing the site news to update you on the fact that I have not been posting anything, as if you couldn't work it out for yourselves.

This abundant failure to post stems from: a) My intensely idle nature and b) the fact that I am trying to think up list-based humour that will appeal to audiences in general.

I suffer from a terminal case of being English and, therefore, any of you folks who aren't British (which Google Analytics tells me is a lot of you) will probably not get a lot of the things that I consider writing about in this blog as my perspective and references are generally of a British nature and there is no real reason for you to understand references that come from a tiny, piss-pot island somewhere near Europe.

With that in mind, I am thinking of changing things up a little.
Now, I can't draw for shit and if I tried it would be embarrassing so having a hilarious, illustrated blog is out.
What I can do is rant. And I mean I can fucking rant! If ranting was an Olympic sport, I could represent the UK and we would actually win a medal for once.
The title of this blog is Fulminations Without Foundations which is just a fancy way to say Rants Without Reason.

So, would you prefer to have one post per Ice Age, which is roughly how often I can think of something I reckon everyone will appreciate, or would you prefer regular updates that basically consist of me ranting about shit that's pissing me right the fuck off?
Seriously, something makes me rage pretty much every day and I tend to be at my funniest when I'm pissed off*.

I have placed a poll at the top of the blog, under the site news. I would be very grateful if you could take two seconds to answer it. You never know... You could win an iPad**.

Thank you in advance. I will run this poll for as long as I deem necessary, or until it gives me the answer I want... Whichever comes first.

P.S. Not all my posts will be rants. There will still be the odd post about ways nature wishes to kill you, animals and other such random shit.
To be honest, I can never be quite sure what my brain will come out with.
Fuckers got a mind of it's own!


*Results may vary

**You will not win an iPad.

© Fulmination Without Foundations

All views and opinions expressed on this website are my own. All research is done with the minimum of effort. By subjecting yourself to my insanity you give up the right to be offended. If you do find my website offensive, I suggest you follow this link.